Office Romance is Dead

Script by me, edited and produced by Monsters Out of the Closet

SCENE 1

Interior, downtown apartment

KALLY, early 20s, she/her, 6 months into her first “real” job in the city, is talking to her cat Hela in their tiny apartment

KALLY: Shh. Stop that. Strictly speaking, Hela, it's NOT a love spell. (pause) Because I'm not using it on her! Not directly! She has free will to ignore me. I'm just going to be a little more... Noticeable, for a little while, but she'll make her own decision. Now get down, off the table please. You'll get fur in the bowl. If I show up to the office with cat ears or a tail, people will talk.

Fade out.

SCENE 2

Fade in. Interior, office

KALLY: (moving toward mic from another room) Thanks Charlotte! I'm OK, I brought my lunch, but I'll see you later OK? OOF!

KALLY lightly runs into HENRY, 30s, he/him, certain he is on the fast track to becoming a Senior Manager regardless of what anyone else thinks

HENRY: Whoa, careful there, Kally! (slowly, like he's sleepy) Hey, are you free for lunch? There's this new spot, one of those salad bowl places, sounds pretty good...

KALLY: N- no thanks! I've got plans! But thank you, and I'll get you that report to you tomorrow OK?

HENRY: (still a little dreamily) No rush, no rush. Whenever you can get it done. If you want, we can tease out the details over coffee…

KALLY: I'll let you know when it's finished. See you later!

(KALLY walks away quickly, muttering to herself)

KALLY: (to self) OK. So, I guess it worked. Just five more hours to go... Isn't Henry married? OK, OK, focus. Janelle is supposed to be here today. Maybe she...

JANELLE, late 20s, confident in the corporate world with a wry humor that gets her through the bullshit

JANELLE: Hey Kally.

KALLY: oh! Hi Janelle. Um, happy Monday!

JANELLE: You too. You look good. New dress?

KALLY: Mhmm, you know, trying to add some color.

JANELLE: It looks good! (smiling) You could pull off anything though...

KALLY: (laughs nervously)

DIRECTOR approaches, old white man, thinks himself polite and authoritative, leaves confusing concepts like gender equality to the bleeding hearts because he's got “REAL” work to do

DIRECTOR: Hi Kally, sorry to interrupt.

KALLY: oh, hi Director Bidden, good morning!

DIRECTOR: Good morning. I wanted to talk to you about your last performance review. Nothing bad, you're not in trouble (chuckles) I just want to chat. Are you free around lunchtime?

KALLY: Um... (defeated) Yes, of course. Of course.

Fade out.

SCENE 3

Fade in: KALLY’s apartment, evening

KALLY: No Hela it did NOT go well. I never want that much attention again. The Director bought me lunch and... Flirted? I think it was flirting. Maybe it was flirting back in HIS time which is, what, the 1930s?! And Charlotte from HR, oh lord, I hope she forgets what she said to me in the elevator... I wish I could forget it. Ugh. Too much, way too much for one day. (pause) Oh don't give me that, you did not know all THAT was going to happen. It's just supposed to make me noticeable! I wanted to TALK to JANELLE, not get lunch with my creepy boss!!

(flops down on the couch, groaning)

(pause) I can't get you more wet food right now, OK? I can't even leave the house until this wears off. (pause) Oh, don't start. You'll live. Now, I'm getting the wine, and ordering pizza, and I'm going to binge She Ra, and you are going to either join me silently or leave me alone.

Fade out.

SCENE 4

Fade in: Next day, Office again

KALLY: Hey Charlotte, Happy Tues... (heels clicking away)... Oh. OK. Oh hey Henry, did you get my email yesterday-

HENRY: (blunt, almost angry) Do you have the report for me?

KALLY: Well, no, actually, that's what the email was about. You said to take my time, and since the client hadn't gotten back to us about the-

HENRY: Cut the excuses Kally. Do you have the report or not.

KALLY: (flustered) Um. Not yet. I will soon, when the client -

HENRY: We're on a tight deadline here, Kally. I can't push everything back because of your timing issues. It's on your head now. Get it done. (walks away)

KALLY: Of... Of course. Of course. (to self) Oh god. Oh god. What did I do? They shouldn’t be affected anymore, right? No, this is normal. The spell worn off, there’s no lasting effects, I can’t have put in THAT much power. They’re just... all... having a bad day! At the same time… At me.

JANELLE: Hey Kally.

KALLY: SHIT oh I'm so sorry, hi, Janelle, haha, you scared me there!

JANELLE: Wow, you seem stressed. Henry being a jerk again? The way he struts sometimes, you'd think he pays our salaries.

KALLY: Hehe yeah, I mean, no it's OK, just a lot going on lately, you know? Everyone's a little... Stressed...

JANELLE: Yeah, that's true. Hey, I'm in desperate need of some coffee. Want to come? The Bean makes a killer cappuccino.

KALLY: Oh! Um, sure? I mean, if you're sure?

JANELLE: Yeah. If you want. It's fine, though, if you can't.

KALLY: No no yes! I mean yes, haha. Coffee. Yeah let me just put this stuff down, I've been meaning to try that place, I hear they do pretty good matcha lattes too (fades away in nervous chatter)

Days later, Office

(office sounds)

KALLY: (humming happily) (sings a bit of “I'm Under Your Spell” from Buffy musical to herself)

JANELLE: Hey stranger.

KALLY: (smiles) Hey you!

JANELLE: Hey. You've got a really pretty voice, you know.

KALLY: (bashful) I mean, I guess it's OK, I've never… Um, I mean, thanks. (pause, a little awkward) That's a nice necklace. Where'd you get it?

JANELLE: Thank you! Actually, Charlotte gave it to me. Brought it back from Cancun!

KALLY: Oh. She did?

JANELLE: Yeah! She knows I love pearls, so… I mean… (realizes how this sounds) You know Charlotte, she's just so sweet! You know?

KALLY: (forced) Mm, mhmm! Yep! Very sweet!

(another awkward pause)

JANELLE: (trying to distract her) Oh hey, did you hear? About Henry?

KALLY: What? No, what happened?

JANELLE: He got fired! Escorted from the building, from what I heard.

KALLY: What? Why?

JANELLE: I don't know. Apparently he got in some sort of argument with the Director.

KALLY: Really? We were working that proposal together… That deadline is coming up.

JANELLE: Let's hope they get you some help on it then -

DIRECTOR: Ladies, excuse me, good morning.

KALLY: Good morning Mr. Bidden.

DIRECTOR: I'm sorry to interrupt, but I wanted to be the first to let you know about Henry, Kally. (patronizing chuckle) Of course, silly of me to think I'd beat our Janelle here with gossip like this!

JANELLE: (insulted) I'm… Sorry?

DIRECTOR: Just know, Kally, I've taken care of everything. There's no way that man will ever do anything to bother you.

KALLY: Wait. What do you mean, bother me? What does this have to do with me?

DIRECTOR: Ah, so you were spared the details. I'm sorry to bring it up, but, since we're here… Henry was being disrespectful, out of line. Now I'm sure you may be upset Janelle, I understand you two were close -

JANELLE: What is THAT supposed to… Oh no…

DIRECTOR: - but that does not excuse his behavior and his comments about dear Kally here, now does it? I did what I could. The local police will see to it he never goes near this place again.

KALLY: (stunned) The cops? You called the cops?

DIRECTOR: You're safe here. I promise. (gets closer) And like I said the other day, Kally. If there's anything you need, anything at all, you can always come to me.

(pause)

JANELLE: Hey, Kally? Didn't you say you were going to the ladies’ room?

KALLY: (extremely unsettled, faking a smile) Uh yes! I did! I do!... Be right back.

JANELLE: (to DIRECTOR) I'll just make sure she's ok

DIRECTOR: Oh, but -

JANELLE: Girl stuff, you know how it is! (runs off)

Bathroom door closes. Sound follows JANELLE as she gets closer to KALLY who is freaking out.

JANELLE: Kally. You've got to calm down, OK?

KALLY: It was one day, it was just supposed to last one day. One day! No side-effects, that’s what they said!

JANELLE: Kally, take a breath. Please.

KALLY: (close to panic) What if I don’t recover? What if everyone around me reacts to it forever, what if I’m stuck like this?! I didn’t want this much attention! I never want this much attention!!

JANELLE: Kally! (holds her shoulders) Focus on me. Breathe. In… Out. It's going to be OK, all right?

KALLY: H-how do you know that?

JANELLE: Because I know things, OK? Just breathe right now. In… Out. Good. In…

From outside the door, muffled, can only hear DIRECTOR’s side of conversation

DIRECTOR: Is that a threat, Charlotte? You watch your tone young lady. I don't care what you think you know about Kally but I won't let you compare her to that hussy Janelle! A girl can't go around dressed like that and not… What are you doing? Put down the stapler, Charlotte... I SAID PUT IT DOWN!

JANELLE: Oookay, OK, OK...

KALLY: (starts crying) How did I do this bad? It shouldn't be possible to do it this bad...

JANELLE: You're right! It shouldn't! It wasn't! This wasn't all you!

KALLY: … What do you...

JANELLE: Was it a spell? A hex? What did you cast?

KALLY: I-I didn’t cast anything, not really… It was a potion, an attention potion, just for me, just to get the attention of… of a specific person…

JANELLE: How long does it last?

KALLY: Just for one day! This witch I follow on Instagram said he used it and it didn’t even last that long!

JANELLE: OK, one day attention is good. It might run its course in another couple days…

(screams can be heard from outside)

... If they survive it.

KALLY: oh my god was that Mike? From IT? Did I just hear a war cry from IT Mike??

JANELLE: (holds KALLY) All right, we’ll figure this out, calm down.

KALLY: Calm down?? How can I calm down, I’m responsible for -

JANELLE: No you are NOT! Not alone.

KALLY: What do you MEAN?!

Door bangs open

RANDOM COWORKER: There she is! GET YOUR HANDS OFF MY JANELLE YOU - !

KALLY: What! Who ARE you??!

JANELLE: Let’s go let’s go let’s go!

(JANELLE shoves, punches COWORKER in the gut to get by, and she and Kally run)

(office fight noises: screaming, phone rings and someone answers pleasantly, “LOOK OUT SHE'S GOT THE SHREDDER”, “KALLY IN THOSE BLACK HEELS THO YOU CAN'T DENY”, “JANELLE WOULD NEVER STEAL FOOD FROM THE FRIDGE HOW DARE YOU, TAKE IT BACK”)

Sirens

Fade out.

SCENE 6

Fade in: Inside KALLY’s apartment. A tea kettle sings.

JANELLE: (pours) Here you go.

KALLY: Thank you.

JANELLE: No problem. I like your tea selection, it’s very… eclectic.

KALLY: (smiles) I’m a hoarder when it comes to tea. And I mix my own. That’s kind of how I got started with... potions... (pause) How long did you have YOUR spell in place?

JANELLE: Since March. Spring equinox.

KALLY: Right after I started working with you?

JANELLE: (smiling, not as embarrassed as she maybe should be) Yep.

KALLY: And since yours was a slow attraction spell, it reacted to my attention magic, and hyper-focused all that magic on us...

JANELLE: … Meaning, all the attention.

KALLY: Too much attention. And they couldn’t give it to both of us, they had to choose?

JANELLE: (shrug) Seems that way. I wouldn’t be surprised if Arthi from Training made Team Janelle and Team Kally shirts already.

KALLY: (laughs) God I hope not. The news said things calmed down after we left anyway. They’re probably going to try and forget everything. (pause) I hope they let us telework tomorrow.

JANELLE: (puts her cup down) Oh sweetie, we’re not going in to work tomorrow. The magic may have worn off when we left, but they’ve got a hell of a lot of cleanup to do. (moves closer) Besides, I think you and I deserve a day off. Yeah?

KALLY: (giggles, nervous) Um, I guess so. I’ve got some unused PTO, and that client really hasn’t gotten back to me yet about the -

JANELLE: I’d like to kiss you now, Kally.

KALLY: (squeak) OK.

They kiss.

The end.